5月23日

Yet again I’m at another turning point in my life. Right now I can’t tell whether it’s for better or worse, or rather it feels absolutely bad, but I believe it is for the best. The most efficient way to describe how I’m feeling would be indifferent yet highly sensitive. and anxious

This month marks the end of what I see as a period filled with a continuous flow of downs. I’m a person who enjoys solitude (to some extent), which can easily leave me isolated for uncomfortable lengths of time. However at the beginning of this period, I met someone who I felt really strongly about. In hindsight I do feel misled to a certain extent and given a false sense of security. This person was in a sense always there, but as an illusional form of support. They were the kind of person that made me want to do better, but concluding I always felt that I never met up to their standard and belittled.

The past month I have been pushed away by them, causing me a lot of anxiety. The moment you realise something is slipping form your grip is when you understand how attached you’ve become. Last weekend they completely shut me out and it has been affecting me greatly. Without a word or respond and it is honestly one of the most painful experience in my life. The question that runs through my mind inexhaustibly is why did this happen?’. I keep going through all of my memories, trying to trace back the mistakes that I might have made to cause this. Nothing comes up, but a feeling of possible insecurity. I will never know why, only that wounds have been cut and that I need to heel.

I managed to get my dream job at a really good company and I have 13 days before I start. Instead of focussing on other people’s needs and trying to make other people happy I’ve decided to focus on and think about myself for once. I deleted WhatsApp, Instagram and Facebook and am going to do whatever I want. I’m going to enjoy life again.

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